Wednesday, February 28, 2018


My first foray into the heady, marinara soaked waters of Italian-helmed exploitation films ended up involving a lot of felines, a lot of horror and several weekends worth of mostly enjoyable viewing. That it happened to coincide with a week's worth of cat-sitting in real life is just one of those curious things. Some late Fulci, some early Bava, some early-mid career Argento, as well as a stray Margheriti tossed into the mix. Have you been a good gatto? Okay, then here's your first seven treats...

#1 - THE BLACK CAT (1981)
Lucio Fulci 

Think your beloved furball is hot shit for doing this on YouTube? Allow me to direct you to the little onyx disruptor at the center of Lucio Fulci's early '80s Edgar Allen Poe adaptation. Opening closed doors with its paw is but one minor trick in its "very particular set of skills" kit. This kitty can also cause automobile accidents with its mind, start house fires with a flick of its whiskers, orchestrate elaborate murder-suicide crime scenes, and hypnotize unstable college professors into doing its homicidal bidding. How's that for a little devil LinkedIn resume?

While not quite the caliber (or catliber) of Fulci's more adventurous sleaze-horror masterworks (The New York Ripper, The Beyond, Zombi 2), The Black Cat does have its own distinct pleasures. It's comparatively light on the gore but heavy on the cat POV tracking shots, Pino Donaggio score and crazed Patrick Magee (of A Clockwork Orange renown). Manipulative felines aside, watching that guy wander through smoky graveyards with a Nagra and a microphone recording supernatural groans like the tomb whisperer version of Gene Hackman in The Conversation is all it took to hypnotize me.


#2 - A CAT IN THE BRAIN (1990)
Lucio Fulci

No, the title is not just a metaphor. Or a bad Italian to English translation. The opening credits do actually feature a live feline munching on brains. A Cat in the Brain is late-career Lucio getting all meta on your ass, basically doing his goremeister's version of Day for Night or 8 1/2. Fulci himself plays a guilt-plagued horror director troubled by disturbing real-life visions (kill clips from his other late '80s movies). He seeks out a psychiatrist and, whaddya know, the guy turns out to be even more deranged than him.

Basically, this is Fulci's Hot Rocks or Forty Licks, a greatest hits compilation hastily pieced together in the editing room with Scotch tape and the barest of self-reflexive premises. It's a cynical cash-grab, sure, but also a playful nod-and-a-wink mea culpa. For Fulci diehards, it's a good excuse to see the maestro in the flesh, if only occasionally, intercut with juicy footage from some of his lesser, later films (did I say "greatest" hits?). The transitions may not be the smoothest, and the back-to-back gore scenes do tend to get porn flick repetitive. But, if it's a quick dose of Lucio you're craving with little to no narrative to get in the way, Un Gatto Nel Cervello should suffice as the cinema equivalent of a late-night helping of canned, microwave SpaghettiOs.


#3 - TWO EVIL EYES / "The Black Cat" (1990)
Dario Argento

Crime scene photographer/still life artist Harvey Keitel traipsing around Pittsburgh with a bad attitude and a beret? You had me at "Helloooo!" This is Argento's half of his short film double-header with the late George Romero. Also, his equally twisted (and equally loose) take on the same Edgar Allen Poe story that Fulci tackled nine years earlier. While the titular black cat in Argento's version may not possess the same degree of supernatural powers as Fulci's fantastic feline, it sure seems to annoy the hell out of the already borderline Keitel. After his girlfriend Annabel takes a liking and takes it in off the street, Harvey vindictively begins using the cat in photo shoots, which subsequently morph into a kitty murder crime scene. When Annabel spots her vanished pet on the cover of his latest photo collection, she is understandably pissed. This only leads to her murder and Keitel's increasingly ridiculous (in a good way) attempts to cover it up. But then, wouldn't you know it, that same damn black cat reappears anyway!

Though only an hour long, Argento's take on the Poe story is a full feature's worth of fun. This is primarily due to the casting of Keitel but also Argento's gung-ho commitment to lurid crime scene compositions and increasingly absurd murder cover-up attempts. There's a particularly fun one involving a life-size photo of the dead girlfriend's face taped onto her corpse to fool the neighbors. And the ending? Let's just say it's the best kind of "cliffhanger."


#4 - THE CAT O' NINE TAILS (1971)
Dario Argento

A "cat horror" film in name only, this nascent Argento giallo wriggled its way onto my watchlist because I'm generally unschooled in the earlier parts of his career and needed to do some *cat*ching up. A reporter and a blind puzzle solver (Karl Malden in full-on Stevie Wonder mode) team up to investigate a murder at a medical facility. Lots of leather cord stranglings and talk of chromosome testing ensues. There's a particularly nifty suspense sequence involving a carton of potentially poisoned milk that I won't, er, spoil.

To be honest, I've already forgotten most of the plot particulars (it's hard to keep score in these purposely convoluted Italian murder mysteries). But I will say that the cinematography was gorgeous, and the Ennio Morricone score made it all go down nice and easy. I am now eager to proceed to the other two parts of Argento's "Animal Trilogy." Flies, birds, etc.


Antonio Margheriti

Cats or no cats, I'll watch anything with Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg in it simply to marvel at the paired genetics involved in creating daughter Charlotte, one of my favorite actresses. Yes, Serge may be a sleepwalking blank slate police inspector in this, but, boy oh boy, is vacationing cousin Birkin easy on the eyes (cat's or otherwise). This is one of those Clue-style drawing room giallos set in a lavish castle where the guests get picked off one by one by a unseen killer who you generally guess the identity of midway through. It's definitely not my favorite sub-set of the giallo genre, but, hey, a cat appeared frequently in the story (a relatively benign ginger this time) not to mention-- bonus-- a caged orangutan. As for the seven deaths, yes, that seems about right. I wasn't keeping count. SPOILER: The butler didn't do it. Nor did the orangutan.


#6 - BLACK SUNDAY (1960)
Mario Bava

My first legit Bava horror flick! Also, Bava's first credited directorial effort. I'd only seen Planet of the Vampires before this. Enjoyed the costumes in that one, but wasn't otherwise sucked into the Bava vortex. Black Sunday may be the one that does the trick. From the very first baroquely detailed black and white frames, you know you're in the hands of a master visual stylist. Then when they put the iron studded mask over condemned witch Barbara Steele's face and hammered that sucker in, I had to pause my Filmstruck stream to check the date. 1960? Pretty gruesome for that era. Pretty gruesome for any era, actually. Early aughts torture porn hacks, eat your heart out. Bava has you all beat by at least 40 years.

Sorry, no cats in this one from what I recall. But reincarnated Barbara Steele does pal around with some pretty baller Marmaduke type dogs (see above pic).


Mario Bava

What is the sabbath anyway? Is it Saturday, or is it Sunday? I guess it depends on your particular Judaic/Christian/Wiccan upbringing. For Bava, it's a good excuse to string together three horror shorts loosely based on stories by Tolstoy, Chekhov and de Maupassant. As with most horror anthologies, it's a hit or miss affair. Mileage and scares may vary. My favorite was the Tolstoy segment with Boris Karloff (who also serves as interstitial narrator) playing a returned from the dead wurdalak. What's a wurdalak, you ask? Well, it's kind of like a zombie that specifically targets its still living loved ones instead of being a mindless, equal opportunity brain-eater. Perhaps the miserable never-ending money train that is The Walking Dead should take a lesson. Next season, make your boring zombies wurdalaks! Better yet, cancel that sucker and fast-track David Fincher's World War Z-2: Rise of the Wurdalaks.

While Black Sabbath is no Black Sunday, it's nice to see Bava's meticulous frames burst into beautiful Technicolor this go-round. The gore and jump scares may be tame by today's standards, but in each segment you can see the template being laid down for many more bloodthirsty modern chillers to come.


Tuesday, January 30, 2018


Ah, the perennial beginning of the year Cashiers De Cinema dilemma: What the fuck to do with this antiquated 10+ year old film blog? Add annoying Google AdSense ads to every inch of the page and leave it to internet posterity? Double down on the old days (circa 2010) with month-long themes and epic-length reviews? Delete the whole site all together? Worse, exchange it for a "likeable" Letterboxd account?

Sorry, but flinging my unsolicited hot takes into yet another social media cesspool is simply not in the Cashiers cards. It's shameful enough that I retrofitted most of my movie ramblings these last two years for 140/280-character Twitter compatibility. Well, those days are over...sort of. You may have noticed that the sidebar @CashierDeCinema link has vanished (poof!). But, sadly, the laziness and despair and over-saturation of #opinions that site has inflicted upon my bruised and battered psyche still remains. :(
Most of the "takes" this year will still be short and sweet and very likely able to fit into a tweet, even if not actually tweeted. But, when the mood and inspiration strikes, they might just run on for a vintage page-long rant. In other words, Cashiers is going free-form in 2018! (i.e., the world's most asocial Letterboxd account). It's also taking a trip to Italy. The key here is: I need to make this film blogging thing FUN again. Or else why bother? And when I looked back over the last 10 years of posts, searching for the MOST FUN I EVER HAD FILM BLOGGING, one name stuck out like a glorious, gore-soaked sore thumb...


As in Lucio. As in Italian exploitation maestro. As in, I watched a lot of Fulci back in the day but still haven't seen a good deal of his filmography. Gore flicks. Giallos. Westerns. Erotic thrillers. Early spy films and sex comedies. Even his Jack London-based family adventure movies. I've got them all lined up for viewing this year, in addition to movies I haven't seen by many of his Italian exploitation progenitors/contemporaries...


I'm even excited for Gaudagnino's Suspiria remake. Are you?

The goal is to watch 100 Italian exploitation films that I've got stored away on old discs and fresh USBs before the end of 2018. I'll post 'em here as I get to 'em with a running count of where I am on the list. Expect lots of spaghetti westerns, spaghetti horror, spaghetti cannibals, spaghetti zombies, spaghetti barbarians and a heaping forkful of poliziotteschi (Italian crime films). I may even throw in some Tinto Brass flicks to spice up the sauce. By the end of the year, I'm sure to look and feel just like this baby...

Sunday, December 31, 2017


Let's get something straight right off the top: Twin Peaks: The Return is absolutely the cultural high point of 2017...but it's TV, not an 18-hour movie. You will find no entries on this list devoted to Episode 8's atomic brilliance. Unlike this blog's facetious French namesake, we play by the rules here at Cashiers. This blog is about CINEMA. And this Best/Worst list is reserved for movies that have played in at least one legit first-run theatre during the year (your MoMA run don't count, yo). Let me repeat: Twin Peaks is TV, and all the better for it. If I were to cheat and consider TP a movie, then there would be only one entry on this list, for every movie-movie that came out this year pales in comparison. And what kinda fun is a Best/Worst List with one entry? Answer: None kinda fun.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, onto the list! This year, I caught a whopping 127 new 2017 film releases (3 less than last year). If it hadn't been for jaunts to South By Southwest and Fantastic Fest where I was seeing 3 films a day on average, I probably wouldn't have broken the 100-movie barrier. Granted, many of the "films" on this list were viewed streaming at home on my widescreen. But I did finish out the year seeing Phantom Thread in a theatre on 70mm, so I feel like I'm absolved.

One last thing: I'm 99.9% sure this will be my last Best-Worst ever. So savor it while you can. Got some stuff to do in 2018 other than watching way too many movies. Like writing/making them again! Without further ado, here's how 2017 stacked up for me...


10) THE LOST CITY OF Z: Underappreciated helmer James Gray finally leaves the confines of NYC to get his Amazonian Heart of Darkness on in epic scale. Ill-advised colonialist obsessions & gross jungle-borne diseases ensue. Not quite Aguirre but still a worthy trek.

9) ENDLESS POETRY: At the ripe old age of 88, Alejandro J is still serving up fresher images than any of Hollywood's greenscreen-weaned young bucks. Shame that few people saw this, his delightfully surrealistic sequel to Dance of Reality. I'm hoping Son of El Topo corrects that.

8) SUPER DARK TIMES: Imagine Stand By Me but much darker directed by Tim Hunter (River's Edge) instead of Rob Reiner. First-time feature director Kevin Phillips charts the harrowingly realistic ripple effect of an accidental death among a group of '90s teens. Super recommended.

7) THE KILLING OF A SACRED DEEROnly Yorgos can infuse seemingly benign discussions of wristwatch straps ("Do you prefer leather or metal?") with so much dread. Only he can make a gawky, acne-spotted teen eating spaghetti seem this menacing. No one does disturbing deadpan better.

6) MOTHER!No other movie this year rendered my typically clenched jaw agape quite the way Aronofsky's loony coil of celluloid provocation did. Whether his purpose was Biblical, environmental or a cruel F-U/apology to past loves, I don't care. Dude earned his exclamation point.

5) BLADE RUNNER 2049I never asked for a sequel to the 35 year old classic sci-fi/noir of my youth, but, boy, did this one deliver. Give Denis V all the franchises. Not just the sci-fi ones but ALL the franchises. Bond, Bourne, Indiana Jones, whatever. #GiveDenisAllTheFranchises

4) GRADUATIONNo one does ethical quandary like the Romanians. Watching this father's moral compass slowly erode as he does anything necessary to get his recently assaulted daughter into college is a study in white-knuckle emotional suspense. Mr. Mungiu, you aced the test.

3) GET OUTGuess Who's Coming to Dinner re-tooled for the post-Obama era as creepy '60s Twilight Zone episode meets hilarious '70s SNL sketch. Believe da hype. No movie had more to say about race in 2017. I mean, is there anything more horrifyingly "white" than a basement foosball table?

2) GOOD TIMEModern crime movies rarely come so believably skuzzy, alternately streetwise and Queens knucklehead dumb like a '90s Abel Ferrara indie high on methamphetamine. The Safdie Bros are the real deal. I just worry they'll lose their mojo going big on a 48 Hrs remake.

1) THE SQUAREIn a year rife with "fake news" & weekly White Guy in Power takedowns (Weinstein, etc), nothing captured the wildly unstable tenor of the times quite the way this ruthlessly satirical 2hr+ performance art piece did. There's an ape loose in the dining room, folks. He is a man but also...not a man.


DOWNSIZINGAlexander Payne took a lot of risks in this coolly received miniature Matt Damon comedy. Not all of them connect, but when they do it feels like a tiny revelation. Payne invented his own genre: the environmentally conscious end of the world rom-com. No small feat.

LADY BIRDWhaddya know, indie darling thesp Greta Gerwig can also direct! Droll coming of age suburban comedies are a dime a dozen, but Gerwig adds her own believable blend of Sacramento spice to the mix. Ronan is great, Metcalf even better. Interested to see what GG does next.

LET THE CORPSES TANThis kaleidoscopic French crime collage/assault on the senses never got a proper 2017 U.S. release. I caught a late-night screening at Fantastic Fest & can't wait to see it again. For those who dug Amer, Strange Color of Your Body's Tears, a must-see.

THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURINot the most visually kinetic movie of the year but maybe the best screenplay. The joy comes in watching great actors chew juicy dialogue. McDormand, Harrelson, Rockwell, Dinklage. Get them together & it can be a Geico ad for all I care.

WORMWOODIt took six hours, the genius of Errol Morris, the subtle blend of documentary and docudrama to make me finally appreciate Peter Sarsgaard (a perennial whipping boy on this list). Perhaps it was the LSD in my drink?


10) WHEELMANTake the fine Tom Hardy "vehicle" Locke from a few years ago, dumb it down with goombah getaway driver Frank Grillo & a script held together by f-bombs shouted into smartphones and, wa-la, another forgettable Netflix Original to gridlock your queue.

9) BAYWATCHWhen you take a barely remembered TV property built upon Pam Anderson's jiggling bustline then turn it into a Rock/Zac Efron bros-before-ho's jet ski comedy, you can't be too surprised when summer movie audiences born post-90s opt for an actual beach instead.

8) GUN SHYYou've probably never heard of this generically titled direct-to-On-Demand action comedy. As well you shouldn't. It's based on a pretty funny book ("Salty") that someone optioned, threw in the trash and miscast atrociously with Antonio Banderas. Shy very far away.

7) SUBURBICONThe Clooney-Coens Curse strikes its most calamitous blow to date! If you thought Intolerable Cruelty painful or are still nursing 3rd-degrees from Burn After Reading, try watching George Clooney fumble a Coen Bros script BEHIND the camera. Ooofah! This one hurt.

6) THE BAD BATCHAmirpour's follow-up to the wonderful A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night is textbook indie sophomore slump. Add more $$, a few stars (Momoa, Carrey, Reeves), a go-nowhere script & everything goes to shit. That said, I eagerly await her next attempt.

5) FIST FIGHTFor some inexplicable reason, a certain film critic whose opinions I normally trust gave this laughless Ice Cube-Charlie Day dueling teachers comedy high marks. I fell for it (on VOD at least), and now I'd like to meet said critic after class in the parking lot.

4) SPLITEverything in this M. Night  multiple personality manipulator was done 10x better 25 yrs ago by DePalma in Raising Cain. That it reveals its true colors at the last minute as a stealth sequel to Unbreakable (yet another extended universe cash grab!) only made it worse.

3) BRIGHTIs it possible to create a gritty, racially-charged L.A. cop movie that also contains orcs, fairies & magic wands? Director David Ayer proves resoundingly: "No, it is not!" Especially when your script is by Hollywood Nepotism's Favorite Son, Max "The Hack" Landis.

2) THE FLORIDA PROJECTDay-Glo paean to ostentatious child actors & bad white trash parenting. Some would cite the kid flicks of Truffaut, Bunuel or Babenco as TFP's progenitors. I'd argue it's reality TV poverty porn (i.e., Honey Boo Boo). Dafoe is the only honest thing in this.

1) THE ASSIGNMENTWalter Hill's woefully misguided gender reassignment hitman/woman actioner is asinine on so many levels, but to name just a few: Michelle Rodriguez with a beard, the insertion of random comic book style panels, little to no discernible "action."


JUSTICE LEAGUEPerfunctory Exposition. Smart-Aleck Superhero Remark. Overly Busy CGI Fight Scene. Perfunctory Exposition. Smart-Aleck Superhero Remark. Overly Busy CGI Fight Scene. Repeat, Repeat, Repeat, Repeat to infinity (or until producers start losing money).

ROUGH NIGHTI didn't like this movie way back in the '90s when it was called Very Bad Things. Why did I think the gender-swapped version would do me any better? I blame legit funny Kate McKinnon for luring me in, rarely funny ScarJo for delivering the final death blow.

THE DARK TOWERI watched a LOT of Stephen King this year. Some good, some bad. But none more anodyne than this PG-13 yawner I caught on a Delta flight. This may not have put a major dent in the current Stephen King Renaissance. As for the fast-evaporating McConnaissance…

THE MUMMYOh, Mummy, we barely knew ye, the Universal Monsters brand extender that died before its time. Such big plans you had! A whole cinematic universe to rival Marvel's mega-millions! And now you lie in tatters, a pile of soiled Ace bandages. R.I.P., you presumptuous dummy.

THE SNOWMANMister Police, I gave you all the clues. I gave you a soused Michael Fassbender, Thelma Schoonmaker as editor, an overdubbed Val Kilmer, Chloe Sevigny's head on a sno-cone. I gave you everything you needed…except for 10% to 15% of a filmed screenplay.


Most Dumb Fun I Had At The Movies All Year
KONG: SKULL ISLAND (the Vietnam War really shouldn't be this enjoyable)

Least Dumb Fun I Had At The Movies All Year
AN INCONVENIENT SEQUEL (not that impending climate apocalypses should be "fun" but…)

Good Horror
Berlin Syndrome, Better Watch Out, It, Raw, The Devil's Candy

Not So Good Horror
Amityville: The Awakening, It Comes At Night, last 10 minutes of Gerald's Game

Surprisingly Good Sequels
T2: Trainspotting, Blade Runner 2049, Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Films Less Wonderful Than Twitter Would Have You Believe
Baby Driver, John Wick: Chapter 2, Logan, Wonder Woman

Films Less Terrible Than Twitter Would Have You Believe
I Love You Daddy, The Great Wall, The Belko Experiment, Wonder Wheel

Best 9 Minute Pie-Eating Scene
Grief-stricken (and hungry!) Rooney Mara in A GHOST STORY

Best Use of John Denver
Logan Lucky, Free Fire

Worst Use of John Denver
Alien: Covenant

Best ZZ Top Needle Drop That Was Not In Twin Peaks
I, Tonya

Best Altercation With Inanimate Object
Vince Vaughn versus his wife's car in Brawl in Cell Block 99

Best Performance By A Household Appliance
The Unbraced Sink in MOTHER!

Biggest 2017 Film-Related Regret
That I'm not presently in NYC to catch Haneke's HAPPY END at Lincoln Plaza Cinema on its last day of business. :(

Most Anticipated Movies of 2018
The Beach Bum (Korine), DOMINO (De Palma), GOLDEN EXITS (Alex Ross Perry), DRAGGED ACROSS CONCRETE (Zahler), Sicario 2: Soldado (dude I haven't heard of), The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (TV technically, but the Coens hit Netflix!)

Happy 2018, everybody!

Tuesday, October 31, 2017


The Stephen King Renaissance is certainly upon us. Box office busting records, two new Netflix originals, TV series, announcements of upcoming Stephen King remakes or sequels or sidequels hitting the trades every day. Though I can't claim to be the most avid consumer of his books, I did enjoy the latest version of It enough to grab my bottle of Ripple and plop down on the Lazy-Boy to watch/re-watch 29 other King adaptations since late September-- 15 I'd already seen and 15 that were new to me. Here's how that ghoulish fool's errand turned out, with films ranked from Worst (#30) to Best (#1)...

30. GRAVEYARD SHIFT (1990) – Ralph S. Singleton

A murky, muddled minimum wage downer with very few scares and a decent Brad Dourif cameo. For top-shelf rat horror, stick to Willard or Of Unknown Origin.

29. CARRIE (2013) – Kimberly Peirce

Peirce can be an interesting director, but the only thing this wildly unnecessary remake had to add to the classic De Palma original is updated bullying methods (i.e., Carrie's shower locker room hazing recorded on smart phones and uploaded to the web) and a comparatively generic visual palette. Moretz is fine as modern day Carrie but no match for Spacek's so pale she's nearly translucent victim turned telekenetic avenger.

28. NEEDFUL THINGS (1993) – Fraser C. Heston

The Devil comes to Castle Rock in the form of Max Von Sydow. Much antiquing and boredom ensues! This felt like a re-tread of the Salem's Lot story with minor fluctuations in plot and some fine actors slumming it (Ed Harris, Amanda Plummer, J.T. Walsh). Two minutes of Von Sydow playing chess with Death is spooky enough for me, thank you.

27. SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK (1991) – Tom McLoughlin

Undead greasers return from the grave to torment a teacher with anger issues (Tim Matheson) and remind him (over and over and over again) how they killed his kid brother. A made-for-TV movie based on a Stephen King short. "Sometimes They Need The Paycheck."

26. 1922 (2017) – Zak Hilditch

Caught this new Netflix King adaptation on the big screen at Fantastic Fest instead of streaming. Not sure the grander venue was necessary. Tom Jane and Molly Parker were solid. The cinematography was professional. The story...slight and completely forgettable. Something about poor folks doing bad things, maybe?

25. CAT'S EYE (1985) - Lewis Teague

The lesser of the two King anthology films I re-watched. The "Quitters, Inc." segment is still as effective in the vaping age, like a great '80s Twilight Zone episode. The other two segments just lay there like a lump of wet kitty litter. In other words, 33.333333% entertaining!

24. FIRESTARTER (1984) – Mark Lester

This movie should sue Stranger Things for serious copyright infringement (oh, how those telekinetic noses do bleed!). Some interesting plot developments, a lovely Tangerine Dream score, and solid David Keith-Heather Locklear pairing. But, man oh man, is young Drew Barrymore a whiny ear-sore. Someone should've torched her SAG card and sent her to bed with no supper.

23. THE LAWNMOWER MAN (1992) – Brett Leonard

Jeff Fahey playing a kindhearted groundskeeping moron certainly has its small pleasures. As does the quaint notion that early era virtual reality would be a game-changer for anything other than the gaming industry. But, as Fahey begins to smarten up Flowers for Algernon style and the movie gets ambition to say something grand about the modern world (I watched the director's cut), all the fun of the silly premise is sapped right out. If you're looking for legit scares, arrow key elsewhere. If you need a few good laughs, watch the first hour, then go cut the grass.

22. THE MANGLER (1995) – Tobe Hooper

Truth told, it's hard to make industrial laundering equipment scary. Hooper tries for a while, then mostly throws in the towel (zing!) opting for grim humor more along the lines of Texas Chainsaw 2 (which I adore). A fine diversion while folding linens, but definitely a lesser entry in the otherwise commendable Hooper filmography / King bibliography.

21. PET SEMATARY II (1992) – Mary Lambert

This sequel's technically a cheat as it's only based on a Stephen King premise with none of the original novel characters reappearing. But I loved the first film so much, I thought I'd make a return visit to that hallowed Indian burial ground with the ability to reanimate dead pet/human flesh. PSII isn't nearly as good as the original (obviously) and opts for a more somber tone (the soundtrack is lousy with bands on the cusp of grunge era pseudo-seriousness). But there are a few truly disturbing scenes, especially the opening sequence...a real "shocker." Not bad for sloppy seconds.

20. MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (1986) – Stephen King

Unlike the previous entry, this trucks gone amok thriller is ALL KING, not only based on and scripted by but also directed by (for better or worse) the horrormeister himself. Though the story loses steam and most of its menace about midway through, there are plenty of fun sight gags to be had (see above). If you think of Maximum Overdrive as an Emilio Estevez comedy rather than a horror flick, it's actually not that bad (better than Men At Work, at least). Plus, kudos to King for shoving every song in the AC/DC catalog into his lark of a movie, whether they work or not.

19. THE DARK HALF (1993) – George Romero

On the spectrum of Stephen King stories about writers battling inner (and frequently externalized) demons, this one falls somewhere in the middle. It's not The Shining good, but it's also not Secret Window bad. The setup has promise: A thriller writer's pseudonym comes to life after he buries the pen name in favor of writing more literary novels. As all good (i.e., bad) doppelgangers do, he begins tormenting his creator (i.e., himself). If it were more of a beguiling mystery how this mirrored being sprung to life, The Dark Half would've had me in its clutches for the duration. The problem is there's too much exposition toward the end (Tim Hutton's doppelganger is revealed to be the result of a childhood brain tumor with a twin inside or some such hokum). As any good writer or pseudonymous writer should know, this much explanation is a big non-no!

18. GERALD'S GAME (2017) – Mike Flanagan

Yes, Carla Gugino is great, and that wrist-ripping scene will go down as a watershed moment in the annals of gore. But, man, did King nuke his own ending. And Flanagan only made it worse with his slavish faithfulness. I'm sorry, but the Moonlight Man/bone collector/Twin Peaks giant doesn't belong in this movie. He belongs only in the Black or White Lodge. Take your pick.

17. 1408 (2007) – Mikael Hafstrom

Another fantastically chilling first hour hog-tied by a misguided ending and a painfully obvious End of Second Act misdirect. I'm not sure if the King source material is to blame (didn't read the short story) or the screenwriters/director here. Either way, this is one half of very solid horror movie.

16. SALEM'S LOT (1979) - Tobe Hooper

Some nice spooky atmosphere for a miniseries done in the pre-Prestige TV renaissance. Also, a great James Mason performance. Though Hooper nailed the suburban horror thing a few years later with the classic Poltergeist, Lot was a fine training ground for similar themes. Yes, the rubbery effects are dated, but I'm sure they'll remedy (or over-remedy) that in the inevitable post-It flood of Stephen King remakes.

15. SILVER BULLET (1985) – Dan Attias

Direction-wise, it's no American Werewolf, but the Stephen King script cleverly toys with some of the age-old lycanthrope tropes. Add to that more coked-up Gary Busey than you can shake a stick at, and you've got yourself a respectable beer and fried chicken midnight movie.

14. THE DEAD ZONE (1983) – David Cronenberg

Just because it's on the lower half of my Cronenberg Favorites list does not preclude it from landing on the top half of the Stephen King Adapts list. Saw this as a kid a long time ago before I was a Cronenberg fan and only had vague, unmemorable recollections, unlike protag Christopher Walken's crystal clear see-into-the-future flashes. Watching it again a few weeks ago, I dug it quite a bit more, though I still wish Dave had found a way to squeeze more signature body horror into King's plot. That said, political candidate Martin Sheen holding a baby in front of him to block an assassin's bullet is its own kind of body horror, one that I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see our current shitstick POTUS replicating if it ever came to that.

13. MISERY (1990) – Rob Reiner

Apart from the hobbling scene, Misery isn't that chock full of scares. Its pleasures derive from watching two great actors (Caan and Bates) duke it out psychologically in closed quarters. And let's not forget that prized oinker cameo.

12. IT (1990) – Tommy Lee Wallace

I had very low expectations for the original TV miniseries version of It when I cued it up a few weeks ago and was pleasantly surprised to have them largely overturned. Nostalgia had a lot do with it--"Hey, is that John Boy, Jack Tripper, and Judge Harry Stone all in the same movie?!"--but for a three-hour movie beholden to '90s network TV violence/obscenity/sexuality standards it still found some inventive ways around the limitations to deliver the killer clown goods. As much as I love Annette O'Toole as Adult Bev, still can't wait to see what Amy Adams (fingers crossed) does with the role in It Part 2.

11. CREEPSHOW (1982) – George Romero

The better of the two King anthologies I re-watched. "Something To Tide You Over" with Leslie Nielsen and Ted Danson is the crown jewel, the Stephen King starrer about space moss is a hoot, and the E.G. Marshall one with the roaches is solid fun. The two others didn't really work for me, but, hey, three out of five is pretty good.

10. A RETURN TO SALEM'S LOT (1987) – Larry Cohen

This one's another cheat, as there's no direct Stephen King involvement, only a "loosely based on characters by" sequel approach. Newsflash: The looseness works. I enjoyed Return much more than the original Salem's Lot, but then I'm a sucker for churlish teens in Miami Vice threads cursing out adults and for Sam Fuller running around at age 75 with wooden stake in hand, throwing open caskets, and gutting sleeping vampires. And I DO MEAN running. Fuller jogs in almost every scene he appears in, often with a lit stogie. Someone should've reminded him to take it easy--he was only acting this time, not directing. I doubt if he would've listened.

9. THINNER (1996) – Tom Holland

This cautionary tale of a chubby corrupt lawyer cursed to lose pounds at an alarming rate gave me the body horror fix I was craving out of The Dead Zone but didn't get. It also delivered in full on my perennial Kari Wuhrer As Vindictive Gypsy craving. Big Fun!

8. SLEEPWALKERS (1992) – Mick Garris

Another '90s Stephen King adaptation that came and went without me noticing or caring back in the day, I was all prepped to dismiss or dislike it, probably both. I'm pleased to announce Sleepwalkers aroused the snoozing horror fan in me for 90 minutes and put the skeptic to rest. Much of it had to do with the intriguingly twisted mother-son relationship with Alice Krige and Brian Krause, kind of a gender-flipped Oedipal version of the one in Carrie. It probably didn't hurt that Twin Peaks era Madchen Amick also had a prominent role as the movie theatre candy counter girl who comes between them.

7. IT (2017) – Andy Muschietti

I won't lie. I saw this back at the tail end of September and have already forgotten much of it. I do remember thoroughly enjoying it while seated in the multiplex and rarely checking my watch. A rare feat for me and a movie that made a shit-ton of money. The general movie-going public and I don't usually see this eye to eye. But, hey, it prompted me to spend valuable time perusing 29 other King adaptations, so there must be something to it, right?

6. CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984) – Fritz Kiersch

Lordy Lordy, don't make me choose between Isaac and Malachi. They are both creepy little corn-fed shits, and this movie is blessed to have them both.

5. CUJO (1983) - Lewis Teague

I'm pretty sure this ruthlessly efficient "when animals attack" thriller is what finally made me give in on the Dog vs. Cat family pet war raging in my household as a kid and agree to foster three mangy cats instead of one solid canine. I may regret that choice now but don't regret having my limbs still in tact and not having to spend two full days trapped in station wagon at the behest of a St. Bernard with bat rabies.

4. CHRISTINE (1983) – John Carpenter

Saw this one on VHS way back in the day, and it didn't make much of an impression. I chalk it up to me not being a gearhead and forsaking my Matchbox cars for action figures at the time. But watching it again many years later as a Carpenter fan, I now see the light (or twin headlights). How Carpenter manages to make a rolling hunk of tin not only horrifying but imbue it with a jealous personality is a thing of moviemaking beauty. It truly is "Jaws on Wheels."

3. CARRIE (1976) – Brian De Palma

Confession: The Carrie storyline never much resonated with me. It could have something to do with never being a) a teenage girl b) born in a strictly religious household or c) bullied to the point of being doused in pig's blood. But DePalma films what could have been a vaguely racy afterschool movie with such audacious visual panache that I am pulled into its hallucinatory spell time and time again. Even when he goes WAY over the top with the split-screens, it's all of a piece with King's histrionic source material.

2. PET SEMATARY (1989) – Mary Lambert

Never has a horror movie been so narratively cavalier in its cruel mistreatment of small children, household pets and spinal meningitis victims, though the end credit PETA disclaimers might assure you otherwise. Pet Sematary freaked the crap out of me when I saw it in the theatre as a young teen, and it still wigs me out as a grown-ass adult. The gross-out end freeze frame is perfect, and the Ramones kick in just at the right moment. This is horror flick as punk rock jam, and it's a shame Mary Lambert didn't get a lot of big gigs after this other than the sequel. I just read there's a remake in the works (of course), and all I can say to that is...hey, Starry Eyes Dudes, tread lightly and heed Jud Crandall's warning: "Sometimes dead is better."

1. THE SHINING (1980) – Stanley Kubrick

Little Stevie can kvetch all he wants. Stanley's version is still King of all Kings.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!! 🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃